Many of you know that I am 'waffling' on the idea of having more kids. Sentimentally, I like the idea of having more. Abram keeps talking about how he needs more sons. ( I know, I know! I keep telling him the odds are against him) I knew we couldn't just have one, that seems pretty mean to the poor child. To lay all your attention, hopes, etc all on their lap. I knew we couldn't just have two. They would fight all the time, try to pit each parent against the other, etc. There would be constant sibling rivalry. I knew we couldn't just have 3. I definitely don't want to deal with 'middle child' syndrome. I know you can't help with 'oldest child' syndrome, or 'baby' syndrome, but the edge seems to be taken off those when there are more than 3. I've thought to myself that 4 seems perfect. There are enough playmates to go around, enough variety to keep others from being too competetive, enough 'partners' if we ever want to ride the rides at Disneyland, and enough craziness to keep any One from getting too much attention. Now that I am 'due' to be getting pregnant again ( if I want to keep on my former schedule of birthing babies every 20 months or so) I try to keep from getting stressed out about whether or not we "should". I know the answer to that, we definitely *shouldn't* have anymore, but do I really WANT to? To be perfectly honest, I'm scared. And it might surprise you what I'm scared about. I'm not scared about the whole pregnancy/labor/delivery due to a wonderful, spiritual awesome experience I had with Lachlan. I'm not worried about being able to 'afford' them. I was raised pretty poor and I'm not afraid of not having money. Besides, it looks like everyone might be in that category soon. (HOPE NOT!) I'm not even really afraid of whether or not I can 'handle' that many kids and stay sane, or not wind up in jail. (that's kind of a joke) I am actually afraid of having a #5 Child. What is that, you may ask? It's the child that REALLY works you over. Don't get me wrong, I already have at least 3 that are pretty challenging. I haven't gotten lucky to get an easy-going, well-mannered, go-with-the-flow kind of kid. But of the large-ish families I know, the #5 child seems to be Extra Special! (No offense if any of you are the #5, I didn't have you in mind!) So right now, I acknowledge the challenges I've been given and so far, we are ok. But I am really frightened of throwing a #5 into the mix. I really couldn't handle one like my little brother, bless his soul. I think I have PTSS just from living with him all those years. I like to think I'm adventurous and take life on with a smile, but I just don't know if I can take this jump into the unknown.... I'm probably overreacting, but you know that saying about cutting your losses while you're ahead, (or something like that) I feel like that should apply here. Not barring the unseen future, we've been relatively lucky not to have any major mishaps or medical problems or behavioral ordeals. What is it that keeps you from having more children?
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